This project narrates the collapse of acceptance. Looking at the sea in the distance. In 2017 after Hurricane Maria, I was forced to migrate to the United States. At that time, I accepted the possibility of settling in my country of origin, regardless of the fact that the island did not offer me what I was looking for: security, employment, love, a home of my own. In October 2017, I went on a one way trip. According to the Center for Puerto Rican Studies in Hunter (New York, 2017), it is estimated that the island lost over 14% of its population between 2017-2019 as a consequence of the economic resession and the impact of Hurricane María. It is hard to accept being one more number in those who are no longer there. That frustrated attempt to escape unemployment, death and the frustrations of adulthood became an invitation to explore the roots of the conflict. I have had the opportunity to return to my origins — from the diaspora — with the concern of rescuing those spaces that I inhabited during my childhood. Among family files, documents and photos that I have kept, I look for a dialogue between my family's past and the deterioration of my island. I try to find similarities with my gestures today, from a distance. However, as time goes by, I feel the sea more and more distant.

Our collaborator and friend Lidy Aguila tells us in this interview about her Growing Apart project, to learn more about her website and IG at the top of the article.

GROWING APART

How and when did the concern arise to record your recollections with your camera?

LA: The camera has always followed me on my journeys and in my daily life, but the truth is that I never felt the concern of documenting my past until I left the country. I wanted to find a way to represent my country and my experience in an intimate way; an impulse to want to stay close to my roots, my family and our history. Being away from my loved ones and my country made me appreciate the time I was on the island and that perhaps I did not invest in taking notes of my experience with the camera in the way that I would have liked. I understand that it is essential for any artist to approach their personal life and analyze their relationships to understand how experiences define the creative process.

In this dialogue in search of the past of both your family and the deterioration of your island, as you mentioned, how has anguish and loneliness affected your creative process?

LA: I am sure that "anguish" and "loneliness" have repercussions in my creative process. They are actually the bases, the engine of my work and in particular this project. The lonelier I am, the more opportunities I have to visualize my intentions when documenting. The feeling is so strong that it is intentionally part of the narrative because I want to convey the message of how I feel with my photographs. This state also defines the forms, the subjects and the composition of the photographs because in this way I can feel identified with what I do.

“I wanted to find a way to represent my country and my experience in an intimate way; an impulse to want to stay close to my roots, my family and our history”

Since your departure and now that you live in New York, you have had different experiences. What does it like to look back at this body of work from where you are today?

LA: Living in New York has been a parallel. I mean, I started it from the diaspora. I do not feel a distance or a look back so strong when I am working on my project, except for a geographical separation. To tell the truth, that remoteness is more transcendental, it is emotional. For example, all the developing and scanning process is done in New York, so being here serves as post production. I have tools to reflect on technical aspects here and in Puerto Rico I focus on the artistic. When I look at the photos, I feel nostalgic. It is part of my process and a dialogue that I have been building. At the same time, when I look at my family files, I keep taking notes. I have created a conceptual map, but also a physical one. I try to return to those places that I inhabited or that I have seen in photographs of my father's childhood or documents of my mother's origins.

Currently you traveled to your land to visit your family and resume this project. What does it mean for you to return talking about Growing Apart? What are the obstacles to not being in your place of origin?

LA: Returning to my country always approaches me through mixed emotions. On the one hand, I feel very happy to hug my loved ones, on the other hand, the nostalgia of seeing how time passes without me tackles me. However, it is always an opportunity to resume the project. This last trip that I made I dedicated myself to searching the family archives for documents about my father, I visited about 10 towns on the North coast near Arecibo --- where I live. I had the opportunity to photograph places where I once shared with my family and see how the passing of time has partly faded its life and functionality.

“The medium format helps me to expand my horizons in this way with the final result, the image quality and colors at a desired level. It’s like doing justice to the beauty of the island when I get the photos printed on a larger scale”

You have used film and medium format for this project. How important is the choice of formats in your projects and in your narrative?

LA: I have been taking strictly analog photography for 5 years, non-stop. I also appreciate the practicality of digital and sometimes I need it, but since I stopped using digital cameras it has been difficult for me not to use film. For me it is extremely essential that this very personal project reflects --- not only cohesion in narrative - but also in style. The colors on the north coast of Puerto Rico are very particular. If I compare the color palette of New York, for example, to tell the truth it would not reach a similar point except summer and extreme sun. In Puerto Rico, in the heart of the Caribbean, the sun beats nonstop. Therefore, I also try to choose the same films with ISO no higher than 400. The medium format helps me to expand my horizons in this way with the final result, the image quality and colors at a desired level. It's like doing justice to the beauty of the island when I get the photos printed on a larger scale.

“I have created a conceptual map, but also a physical one. I try to return to those places that I inhabited or that I have seen in photographs of my father’s childhood or documents of my mother’s origins”

Finally, what are the future plans for Growing Apart and for your own work?

LA: I had the opportunity to receive the Fujifilm Fellowship for a Portfolio Review at the Bronx Documentary Center (2020) and I presented this project. It received a very good feedback. Due to Covid-19 many offers and publication possibilities were paused, so this is the first time I have presented these photos. I would love to be able to continue my travels, dig into archives of other relatives (for example, my sister and my grandmother) and explore other possibilities such as collage between files and photos, as well as short videos using cameras as well as films. If the opportunity arises to exhibit or publish these photographs, I am sure it will be a matter of time.

“ I am sure that “anguish” and “loneliness” have repercussions in my creative process. They are actually the bases, the engine of my work and in particular this project.”

LIDY AGUILA

GROWING APART

ELÉONORE SIMON

THIAGO DEZAN